valentine's and the mom that i'm not.

i'm reading a book with a group of moms that have young kids called "desperate: hope for the mom who needs to breathe."  we read a chapter recently that was about what kind of family you were and what kind you wanted to be. 

truthfully, it's a lot easier for me, when I think about our family or just me as a mom, to think about what we're not and what I'm not. and while a good bit of that is wrapped up in comparison or being overly self critical, there can be a measure of good that comes from knowing what you're not. 

like maybe if you aren't great at baking and it stresses you out, don't sign up to bring the baked goods to the school party (that would be me.) or if you're drained after spending time out or with people and need alone time to recharge, then its okay to not try and be friends with everyone, to really invest in the few people you can (that would be me, too.) and if your family isn't made up of "outdoor" people, it's okay to spend family time together watching movies (okay, okay, you get it..;)

i think its when you stay in that place of what you're not and use it to make excuses or comparisons or as way to beat yourself up, that it can be harmful. when you let what you aren't define you more than what you are. but if we can acknowledge and embrace what we aren't, we can use it to help point us to what we are. 

i thought about this as i was pacing the aisles of target last week thinking about valentines for winnie's first school valentine exchange. because, being aware of the things that i am not, i do know that our family is big on holiday and traditions. and on top of that, as a family built by two art school graduates, we really love to create things ourselves when we can. 

so, we gathered up the supplies to make some "wild about you" valentine's day cards last week. and as we stamped some cards and picked out some plastic animals, i thought about who we were as a family. 

the things that we are and the things we are not. 

 homemade valentines and store bought cookies. 

naps, wineskins and staff advance

"enlarge the place of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out; do not hold back; lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes. for you will spread abroad to the right and to the left, and your offspring will possess the nations and will people the desolate cities."

isaiah 54:3

the last six summers, for a few days in july, jared and i have had the honor of being apart of meeting with all the staff and spouses of our church for our annual staff advance. the theme this year was "stretch marks" and it was all about the skills it takes to allow yourself to grow and stretch and how we do it together as a church. there was so much wisdom and it really hit a nerve that i feel like the Lord has been speaking to me lately.

a few days before, i had been reading a chapter from a book called "loving the little years: motherhood in the trenches" by rachel jankovic. it's a short book with chapters that read more like devotionals and it is so helpful.

the first time i read it there was a paragraph that stood out. it was right around winnie's second birthday and she was determined to quit naps. getting her to slow down and stay in her room took nothing short of a miracle (and that miracle wasn't coming.) 

in the chapter, she's talking about change in your routine and growth spurts in your home and your children and she says:

"whenever this happens, this ambiguous restlesstness in the house, i try to think of it as a growth spurt. it is like all my children have a growth spurt at the same time and develop new needs. this is only a problem when mom doesn't have a growth spurt herself . it's even more of a problem when mom refuses to have one and demands that everyone else gets back into clothes that are too tight. just like the wine and the wine skins, you can't make the old schedule work with the new needs. naps, when filled with children who no longer need them, crack open and make a big mess."

since we were very literally going through the same scenario at the time it stuck out to me, but over time it stayed with me. the picture of my resistance to growth looking like the wineskins that jesus talks about in luke 5:37-38:

"and no one pours new wine into old wineskins, otherwise, the new wine will burst the skins; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. no, new wine skins must be poured into new wineskins."

as we move on to new stages and settle into what is "normal" at each stage of life, it is so easy for me to get comfortable and to want to go back to "old wineskins." and being comfortable makes growth a foreign object, something that like a virus that we fight against.

and the thing is my kids aren't just growing physically. sure, there are physical hurdles to get over, like learning to live in days without naps. but truthfully, for me, the most stretching things go beyond naps and pacis and things that seem more concrete.

like, what about when i realize that my child's strengths line up right with my weaknesses. the things that come so naturally to her are so many of the things that i feel like i am still grasping to learn. and in order to help her grow into who the Lord made her to be, i'm going to have to do a lot of growing, too.

 i have to choose that growing and having some stretch marks is far better than not growing and eventually bursting open.

so, with lots of grace, i want to grow well.